Healing

After the births of my children, I was granted 6 weeks of time. Time to heal, to adjust, to gain a new rhythm. Now, following the death of my mother, I wonder why bereavement isn't 6 weeks as well. It is, after all, a rebirth. I feel as if I am becoming reborn.. to a new way of looking at things, a new approach. My lifestyle is changing. My pain is going to take time to heal. Sometimes the deepest cuts are the ones we cannot see.

My dad is selling off all the signs of her illness. He placed an ad for her scooter yesterday. Sold it today. I'm thinking this is positive movement but a piece of me is worried. Is he simply taking care of business? He did show me his insurance policy and where I should look for important papers. 

I can see signs of relief on his face. He looks younger again. The toll of my mother's illness was born by all of us. It has been a very tough time, this past year or two. The past week was very intense, but we have been building to it, for a very long time. I have moments of complete clarity followed by minutes of complete pain. My mother played such an important role in my life. In his life. Such an amazing woman.

We move forward, a day, a moment. We slide back. It is the rhythm of life. I watch my friends deal with the same pain, the same moments, and then some. My best friend lost her son in August. My mom lost hers - 3 years ago this past April. My loss is no less important, yet it is much less than those. Our children should outlive us, always. Our children are our legacy, as I am my mother's. 

I sit. I mourn. I sing. I dance. I cry. Each day is an opportunity. To step up. To step out. To be. We can't help it. We move forward.