High Anxiety...

...should be the title of a movie, maybe it is.. but nonetheless, high anxiety is the phrase of the day. They tell me that panic attacks and anxiousness are a part of the end phases of life. Our loved ones want to be done, with the pain, the discomfort. They don't want to be a burden. But they are also afraid. Of death. Of dying. Of missing out on whatever is next. My mother is experiencing all of those things. 

I wonder how it came to be that I am the rock as well. More than once today I was called into service. My mom became frustrated, angry, and panic set in. My dad was flustered; he wanted to help, felt like it was his fault that she was mad, and wondered what he was doing wrong. And you know, it's not him. It is her. And I think she is trying to push him away, much like we push our parents away when we are ready to grow up and get out on our own. It's hard to leave when you love someone. And it's hard to leave when you feel like you might be breaking their heart. She hates that he ties her to earth while she also loves him so deeply, so intensely, that even she cannot let go. 

How do we let go? How do we cut the ties that bind us? My mom will eventually wear out. Her body is getting more tired. The strain of breathing is evident, and other body organs are beginning to slide away. My dad, however, is in a whole different place. He thought he would go first. He thought he would have more time. He has lived his whole life with my mother and wonders how he will go on without her. What will he do? Where will he live? No answers from me can help him right now. He knows the answers anyway. He just can't help himself, and what he really is asking is how does he let go?  I wish I knew. 

I know how important it is to listen. I know how important it is to feel heard as well. And these are things I try to do, as well as I can. My brothers sometimes get frustrated with me.. they want me to be perfect. It seems like my entire life has been filled with people who expect perfection, but I am, at best, imperfect. I do, however, have some gifts; and right now, that gift is to bring comfort to my mom and dad. I also scared a medical technician badly enough that he called his boss.. and then his boss called me. A new technician was assigned to come help my mother - and did so immediately. Apparently I have a certain gift for getting folks off their asses as well.. although not always as gently as others think I should. And you know what? I don't care that I am not gentle all of the time. I don't care that I fail to meet the expectations that others set for me. I do care about love though, and caring for loved ones. I care about getting a job done right. I care for people who care for others. I do not, however, have any patience left for buffoons or incompetent technicians who feel that I should understand their issue, believe their lies, or allow them to neglect a duty to care for their patient - my mother. 

So, yes, high anxiety is today's phrase. I hope for restorative sleep tonight, and calmer sailing tomorrow, but I am pretty sure we are not done yet... 

And I thank you, my gentle readers, for your willingness to take this journey with me.